Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize