Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
All the doctor said was why
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
