now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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