I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
