He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
