I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
