if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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