I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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