the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
