I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just had sex on a roof
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize