hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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