My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
