Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
