sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
