I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
