Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
