5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
