We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
