I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
