It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
