He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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