I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
