Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
