HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
