There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
