please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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