did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
