i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
