she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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