I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
