my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
