YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Holy sore nipples Batman
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
