I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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