He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
