I wish I only lived at night.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
