Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
