So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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