My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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