i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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