I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
