Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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