best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
