Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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