Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
