broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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