Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize