Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
