Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
