I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
