I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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