I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
