i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize