he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
