She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
