ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
