nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
