I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
