I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
