Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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