you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
