6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize