I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
