Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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