i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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