I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
